What do you do to help get your “engines revving” when you are not so attracted to your spouse?
He hardly makes an effort to romance me or be attractive (scratching balls all the time etc)
How do I fix it? Ive tried candles and romance, sleeping naked together. I just don’t want it.
I don’t have a really high libido to begin with…

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13 Responses to Not so attracted to spouse anymore

  1. EohNet says:

    Could you set a date day? It’s probably a lot to ask for him to never scratch his balls, but if there was a day that was set aside for romance, it might make the request seem more reasonable?

  2. Hteall says:

    Unfortunately, while you can rev your own libido by taking time to be sensual with yourself (it tends to spill over if your body gets into a habit of “hey, this is nice!”), it takes two to tango. If your partner is not making an effort to be attractive to you, either emotionally or physically… He’s reaping the results of his lack of care.

    I’d say it’s time to sit down and say, “Hey, I’d really like it if you were more romantic. A relationship is not a noun. It’s a verb. You don’t shoot a relationship, stuff it, and mount it on the wall with a plaque. You have to keep working at it, in tandem with your partner.”

    Before this, though, sit down and list your turn-ons and turn-offs. Start with letting yourself go wild here! Midnight motorcycle rides in Hawaii? Sure, write it down! After you’ve got a goodly assortment, then triage for “okay, let’s be reasonable here” and sort the fantasy (“no, I don’t think that he’s going to turn into a shape-shifting dragon…”) from the possible (“but if we budget for going out to a reasonably nice restaurant once every couple of months…”). Some things may be easier — does he do backrubs? foot rubs? hand massage? Sensual things that you can lie back and enjoy for a while, that remind your body, “Hey, he’s not bad at this.” (Though practice may be required.)

    Armed with your list, you can give him some examples of “it doesn’t have to be candles and moonlit midnight swimming pools and champagne, but if you could…” and see how he reacts.

    If he gets all affronted that you don’t love his belching, then… I hate to say it, but you may not have a relationship that can be saved; it takes two to tango. It takes all the adults involved to save a relationship. If he won’t put in the effort, then your libido is likely to turn up its nose and go back into hibernation, and for good reason.

    Good luck!

  3. Ybaoma says:

    This. I’d also add in doing things like backrubs, snuggling, etc that DON’T have to be sexual. Take the pressure off for a while by taking PIV off the table. That might relax you mentally enough to just enjoy what’s happening, and if you enjoy what’s happening, you might be more enthusiastic about taking it further.

    Good luck!

  4. RekNet says:

    “PIV off the table” …sorry, that made me laugh!

  5. 29dWoman says:

    hehe. Off the table and onto the floor!

  6. Ybaoma says:

    Ha! Now i’m picturing it, too!

    PIV off the table, PIV off the TV, PIV off the roof…

  7. Yawstyle says:

    This is excellent advice.

  8. SseTuT says:

    Hm… is talking to him an option? It sounds like you’re putting a lot of effort into it but he isn’t and that’s the problem. You should sit him down and discuss things with him. You’re a couple, these issues can happen, and both of you should work on patching them up. Don’t feel guilty and don’t make him feel guilty on purpose. Try to see the other side and listen to what he needs but be honest about what *you* need yourself. Try to have a conversation where both of you can talk, like maybe you can agree beforehand that neither of you can take what is said in that conversation as an insult and you’ll also both be honest and rational that it won’t turn into an argument.

    You both might have to compromise, but make sure you’re not compromising on anything too big (for example, maybe he doesn’t like candles. If it’s not a huge deal, then don’t have candles. But if he wants to have sex when you don’t, then it’s not your fault and you shouldn’t have to make yourself do it if you’re not in the mood) or there might be some ressentment in the long run. I really like nickelshoe’s date night idea, too.

  9. Noo99 says:

    Foreplay, especially long, extended foreplay really helps. I find that I get aroused more slowly than male partners do, so I need foreplay longer. And really, I’m not advocating drug or alcohol use as a habit, but sometimes a joint or a glass of wine can help you get in the mood. So does music. Maybe go to a sex toy store together and see if you guys see any goodies that can add something? They make a lot of vibrating cock rings these days to stimulate the girl.

  10. HseNew says:

    I don’t have a whole lot to add, other than what everyone else suggested. I just wanted to tell you you are definitely not alone. My fiance and I are in a total rut like this. I finally had to lay it down that he needs to put some effort into his appearance (since I try to make myself attractive for him, esp when we have dates; he doesn’t do anything, jeans and an ugly tshirt every time; come on man!) and start being more romantic. He says he’ll work on it, but I haven’t seen anything change yet.
    I get how frustrating that can be!
    Feel free to PM me if you need a rant/chat with someone who understands 🙂

  11. 99eRu says:

    You might also look into the “5 languages of love” together. There’s even a test you can take online to find out what your respective languages are. Without meaning to cast doubt on you, OP, it could be that your idea of romance differs from his. Maybe you need sensual backrubs, candles, etc. to rev your engine but to him, romance is caring for their partner and doing things for them they hate to do like taking out the trash, doing the taxes, etc. I’m just speculating here since I have very little information about your relationship. I just want to caution, everyone, that we can’t assume from hearing one side of the story that OP’s husband isn’t necessarily making any effort whatsoever. It could be that they have very different ideas of intimacy and romance. For me, comfort with one’s own body is actually a very endearing sign of intimacy for me. So seeing my partner comfortable enough with himself and me to do something normally very private (like scratch his balls) in front of me would be very endearing. Sometimes these things can be related to context and perspective, to a degree.

    What DOES matter though is that he’s not making an effort in a way that works for you.

    Have you discussed this with him yet in a non-judgemental, non-emotional way outside of a time where this issue is actively frustrating you? In addition to what others are saying, if you have yet to do this, I’d greatly encourage you to do so. Sit down over a leisurely breakfast some day and say, “you know what, honey? I love you bunches. And I’d like us to be more intimate/have sex/whatever-OP-wants. How do you feel?” If you’re on the same page, then you can begin to strategize together. What do you need to feel turned on? What does he need to feel turned on? Etc.

    Good luck and I’m sorry my thoughts were a little scattered, getting a little sleepy here. 🙂

  12. 99eRu says:

    Found the test!


    You don’t have to buy anything or give any info out, it’s just the test, btw. Also, I have absolutely no affiliation with this book or author or anything. Someone just recommended it to me once and I found it very useful.

  13. 010Na says:

    “I just want to caution, everyone, that we can’t assume from hearing one side of the story that OP’s husband isn’t necessarily making any effort whatsoever. It could be that they have very different ideas of intimacy and romance.”

    This. It’s hard not to sympathize without forgettting that there are two sides to every story. I do it all the time with my gfs. which is normal, because when you’re in venting mode, you don’t share the good stuff in your relationship, just the shitty stuff.

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