this could be a long one….

The boy I'm dating was fingering me, and recently told me that it feels like I have a bump in my vagina, at the bottom bit he said. Now I'm terrified. I emailed my doctor about the bump thing and she said that the exam came out totally normal and that I should make an appointment to ask questions so I dont feel as anxious and that she could check me again. which I plan on doing monday.

So I'm dating a boy currently who is freaked out at the idea of std's. It freaks him out a lot and he gets anxiety over it. Now, I've been cheated on and sexually assaulted in my past. which he is aware of. I also had.have hpv when I was 19, 8 yrs ago, and my bf at that time who gave it to me had warts like not on his penis but burried under his pubes. Every pap and test after that has come up negative.

Now. I've spoken to my doctor and a few other doctors. like two others. They said since it's been so long since since that I'm more than likely over it, that it's undetectable in my body and that I'm no longer a carrier. She made a point to stress that the virus is relatively new and new things are found out about it all the time.

After my assault in november i went to the hospital and got a rape exam done, not the rape kit. They loaded me up with pills and things and all my tests came back normal. In january, I also got another pap and tested. Everything came back fine.

I'm scared I have warts in my vagina. So my questions are has anyone experienced warts on their vaginal walls? Its like a little ball, kind of like a skin tag or blod clot( i get them in my mouth sometimes) I dont know if its a clot of what. anyway. my partner said maybe its a cyst or scar tissue or something. anyway. I'm super scared. would the two doctors have seen it? especially in the rape exam since it took longer and felt more thorough? Plus they were looking for like cuts and bruises after a rape? I dont know. He said that it's noticeable that he thinks it must have been there in january (he first felt it right after the test but didnt say anything until now because he didnt want to make me feel bad) he also said it probably was there in october too since it doesnt seem like it could have grown like that. but i have no idea. i cant really figure out what hes talking about and I dont want him in there if it is, nor do i want him showing me something like that because it will make me feel gross.

It also may help to know that I have had BV often, and yeast infections. The doctors go back and forth about it I feel like. The rape doc said I had BV, then the meds gave me a YI which feels like its still lingering. I took pills in january for it but it still feels present, I think it came back. No idea why. I feel like I keep getting BV and YI for the past three years, which started when I found out I was allergic to latex. I'm still not entirely sure how to ward those off either…. I feel like a mess. all this stresses me out.

I really thought the hpv thing was past me. Plus I already feel super dirty and gross from the rape. I remember when I was 19 I was so scared that id never have a partner again etc. I feel like I've done so many right things or what I thought was right at the time. I dont know. I feel dirty and gross.

Also, sometimes he worried so much that he wont have sex with me. like on my period because he's scared hiv can be picked up  easier when im on my period. no ive been tested twice and dont have hiv. I think he will stop being worried about it after six months from the rape goes past and i get tested again. I got tested right after, three months after that and im supposed to go again in april.

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25 Responses to long I know. hpv/warts?

  1. Mrane says:

    Are you sure it isn’t your cervix that he can feel? i really freaked out the first time I felt mine.

  2. O0oNet says:

    I’ve never felt it before. so i have no idea. he said it flattens out. I have no idea. How does one feel their cervix? can I actually feel my own?

  3. EttSuper says:

    OP, thanks again for trusting us enough to share your story. We hope that the comments you receive will be supportive and healing.

    This is just a quick note to remind readers that VP has some guidelines for responding to posts about sexual abuse or assault.

    VP is fabulous because of its members. We appreciate your sensitivity and understanding when responding here. 🙂

    If you have questions or concerns, feel free to get in touch.

    -cat
    For the VP Team
    contact_vp

  4. Loaora says:

    I agree w/ neverlukewarm. It may be that he felt your cervix. It can be in different place in your vagina depending on where you are in you cycle too.

  5. SguTuT says:

    Agreed, and if it’s not that, then it could be something else that’s normal. the vaginal walls are bumpy in areas, especially around your g-spot. Around the vaginal entrance some people have some protrusions that feel/look like skin tags, which (i believe) is just leftover hymen tissue.

  6. Gni007 says:

    Yeah, hymeneal remnants can be bumpy. And some people are just bumpy inside. 🙂

  7. O0oNet says:

    I feel like I’m super bumpy where the gspot area is. Do you think that the last two exams the doctor would have seen it or said it was different? also i’ve never touched a cervix before but he said it flattened out or something. Which im not sure what hes on about.

    thanks so much for reassuring me. I feel like a weight has been lifted off. I just get the tendency to not be able to control my thoughts.

  8. Gni007 says:

    Yeah, that’s normal, it really is. For me, cognitive behavior therapy helped me get better at recognizing which thoughts were the ones making sense and which weren’t, and stop listening to the ones that weren’t.

    The g-spot area is really bumpy on some of the people I’ve, er, experienced. 🙂 For others, the inner walls of the vagina feel really smooth… really, lots of shapes and textures are totally normal.

    Can you feel whatever he’s talking about? Your cervix will feel kind of like a doughnut-shaped thing roughly the texture of the tip of your nose. Probably anyway, they vary a bit too. They also move around. Some people like the sensation of touching the cervix, some don’t, some like it at some times of the month and not others.

    If it’s not too disturbing to you, I would strongly suggest you go exploring a bit, figure out what feels normal for you. It’s like with breasts – mine are naturally lumpy, so what I look for in self-exams is anything that feels different, not anything that feels lumpy. Your inner bits probably have all sorts of contours and textures, and they probably change with your cycle and level of arousal. If you get familiar with them you’ll be able to answer people like the current boyfriend with “oh, yeah, that’s normal, no worries.”

  9. O0oNet says:

    yeah ive tried feeling it out. and im just not sure what hes talking about. hes not really my boyfriend by the way. just monogamous partner i guess lol. anyway i cant tell. i feel like im not very smooth and sometimes i feel like something that may compare to a bead. on the opposite side of my gspot area. but there are like…. i guess i dont know my vagina that well. folds i think that are vertical and those are a bit bumpy. im not really sure. i have no idea what my vagina is supposed to feel like. which makes me just feel silly. I keep digging in there but im worried im going to get a yeast infection.

  10. Gni007 says:

    Ooops, sorry for the assumption! I try not to do that.

    There’s not too much risk you’ll give yourself a YI by poking around. Can’t hurt to wash your hands first, but the yeast in question already live in the area… although I see you’ve had a lot of problems with cycles of BV and YI, so I can see why you’d worry.

    Your vagina’s supposed to feel like whatever it feels like. Bumps and ridges and wrinkles and all. Honest.

  11. Hteall says:

    Yeah, hymeneal remnants can be bumpy.

    And fringy. Heck, my GP did a pap and pelvic on me one time, and asked if I’d always been “fringy” down there, and I said, “…I dunno!” So she sent me over to the ob/gyns for a second opinion (I guess the fringe looked kinda wart-like?) and the excellent nurse-midwife there pronounced it normal fringe.

    (I had to take my kid — then a preschooler — with me that time, and it was amusing convincing her that NO, she should NOT go behind the sheet to see what was so interesting. *snicker*)

    TL;DR — hymenal remnants can look enough like warts to make even a doctor second-guess herself and send the vagina-owner to a specialist for double-checking.

  12. O0oNet says:

    ps love love love your icon. its brilliant!!

  13. O0oNet says:

    I had no idea. I asked my friend as she’s touched more vaginas then I have and she suggested the same thing. He’s only been with two other people. is it different with everyone?

  14. Gni007 says:

    Yep! Anatomy varies quite a lot. We tend to have pretty much the same sort of bits in roughly the same configuration, but other than that – I mean, imagine all the differently-shaped faces humans have! Same collection of features but lots of variety. 🙂

  15. O0oNet says:

    maybe i should touch more vaginas. its getting confusing.

  16. Gni007 says:

    Well, I’m a fan in theory, but in practice it might not be easy to find people willing to let you explore in the interest of education. 😀

  17. 29dWoman says:

    *concocts plan to test this out :D*

  18. O0oNet says:

    good plan 🙂

  19. O0oNet says:

    im sure a craigslist ad would find a taker. I’m one of those people that doesnt claim a sexuality preference. I mean i think I could love anyone whatever gender biological or mental they may claim

  20. Gni007 says:

    Breathe! You’re all right, I promise, you really really are.

    The bump could be a wart, but given the medical results you’ve had, that seems unlikely. It could be about a zillion other things too, which you already know. An exam will help put your mind at ease. Keep in mind that on the off chance it *is* HPV, it doesn’t make you dirty or mean there’s anything wrong with you any more than any other virus does. If you have a cold – or a Plantar’s wart – you’re not ashamed, right? HPV is the common cold of the genitals, and it’s annoyingly easy to pass on. You’ve had it, and your body cleared it – that’s almost certainly true of me at this point, too, actually. And of most of us, at some point in our lives.

    Try really hard not to internalize your boyfriend’s feelings, okay? Having an STI – which you almost certainly don’t – doesn’t make you dirty. His fear of contracting an STI sounds irrational to me: if you don’t have one, he can’t get it. Note that I’m not trying to blame him for having irrational fears – it happens! – but it’s not your fault. You almost certainly don’t have HIV (chance of contracting it from a single exposure is low even if your rapist was HIV+), and he can wear a condom during your period or have other kinds of sex then. It’s reasonable to take precautions, but it sounds like his version of precautions is kind of over-the-top. It’s okay if that’s how he feels – but try not to feel bad about yourself because of his reactions. They aren’t about you.

    You aren’t dirty or broken or anything like that, and you have nothing to be ashamed of. You aren’t gross just because someone hurt you. But it’s also absolutely normal for someone 3 months post-rape to feel that way; I felt that way myself when it was me. I think it’s wonderful that you’ve been able to be sexual and you want to be, and that you’ve come here to talk about this – good steps! You got medical treatment – have you also had any kind of survivor counseling? You might find it a helpful way to deal with the emotional aftermath. Reclaiming my body and sexuality after my own rape was a long process, and I had to be really gentle with myself along the way. It worked, though; you can get through it and feel good about your body again. Hell, I sometimes forget to tell sexual partners about my triggers now – the last new partner had to actually ask if there was anything she should avoid doing, because it had slipped my mind that it might come up. Which was pretty awesome. 🙂

    If it’s possible, do you think you could talk to this guy about how his concerns are making you feel? Just that you’re struggling against feeling dirty and ashamed, and while you respect that he doesn’t want to be exposed to anything, you really need his help in seeing yourself as whole and clean. Maybe suggest really really low-risk sex (fingering with gloves on would be right down at the bottom of the risk ladder, for example) so you don’t have to worry about this? Hopefully he’ll be able to hear you and understand that you could use his help – that you aren’t trying to minimize his anxiety, but you’re recovering from something awful and he can help. Having a partner help you feel good about your body can be awesome for you and for the partner.

  21. O0oNet says:

    thanks this reply meant a lot. I am still dealing with trying to be sexual. its not nearly as awesome as it was before. I am in therapy and we are talking about this and trying to change the way I view myself.

    But this doesnt really help. I did tell my therapist a little about it but didnt want to go too in depth with it. maybe i should tell her because maybe she could help me more about it and figuring it out. I’m still learning my triggers of like… anxieties and freak out moments.

    I guess i felt like i worked super hard to get passed the original feelings of having hpv at 19 and now at 27 its peeking back up sort of just… its shit timing. sigh.

    I did tell him about how I felt, and he does say thats its not me. I mean he knows his fears are irrational. We both know they are. we always use condoms. so thats not an issue. he just has an irrational fear about it. Which worries me because i dont want to feel like this every time he worries. It’s like both our weak points. I really should talk to him more about it.

    thank you for your support. it feels amazing to know that I’m not the only one.

  22. Gni007 says:

    Nowhere near the only one. And it sounds like you really are doing all the things you need to do to heal. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, but it really will get better. It was, hell, more than 17 years ago for me… the nightmares stopped after a couple of years and the flashbacks got less and less common as time passed. The last couple (within the last year, first in years) happened because my partner shared coloring with my rapist… well, that and a few other things. And I was able to breathe through it or call a halt, no shaking or freaking out or anything.

    I know that doesn’t sound like a huge thing but it was. You’ll get there too.

    There are tons of us out there. Once I was able to be open about my own experience I decided that talking about it as matter-of-factly as I could would help me and also make it easier for other survivors to speak up. I know it’s kind of a distressing perspective, but I think of it as a silver lining: live through something awful, and later on you get to tell other people they can live through it too, with yourself as evidence.

    I’m glad the boyfriend fella knows he’s freaking out more than really makes sense. Hopefully if you can talk to him about what you’re feeling and how this subject fits into your own healing process, you two can support each other. Mutual support is really wonderful. Maybe, to keep his own anxieties at bay, you really could avoid PIV for a while? Find other ways to make each other feel good, explore, laugh. If you really like PIV, make it a special treat to look forward to, and make sure you’re both comfortable… I’m just thinking that if you can enjoy each other a great deal while also avoiding this particular little anxiety-spiral, that can’t hurt. 🙂

  23. O0oNet says:

    i want to one day be able to talk about it like that. but its still hard to say rape or asaulted especially since mine was… like… I woke up to it happening and other things. I was intoxicated. I mean its still rape. I still didnt want to have sex with him at all.

    anyway. yeah i dont know. i feel like when he says he doesnt want to i think something is wrong with me. maybe we should make it as a we both agree to it thing. gah i dont know. its confusing.

  24. Gni007 says:

    **hugs** Talking about it is healing for most of us, but it takes time. You don’t learn to run before you learn to walk, you know? Try to be at least as kind to yourself as you’d be to a friend in your position.

  25. O0oNet says:

    lol thats what my therapist says. thanks for your encouraging words.

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