My genderqueer girlfriend and I have been exploring some Dom/Sub bedroom play, and she has requested that I come up with a more gender-neutral title for her than "Mistress".

Any suggestions, VP?

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25 Responses to Dom/Sub bedroom play: Gender-Neutral version?

  1. Ezaora says:

    Would “highness” be acceptable? It conveys a sense of power, but it’s not as gendered, because it’s used for both male and female rulers.

  2. Nwooeva says:

    Ooh, I like that one.

  3. Eanva says:

    This might work 🙂 Thanks!

  4. XdxWoman says:

    I have been thinking and thinking and thinking.

    The only things I came up with were Master (because it is masculine, it works for everyone), Sire (which I guess is kind of stupid, boss, owner, slave driver (maybe too intense, ha!).

    That is all I got!

  5. Nwooeva says:

    My first thought was owner.

  6. Ereoya says:

    Um. Masculine is, by definition, not gender neutral.

  7. Arudy says:

    Oh that IS a hard one! I honestly can’t THINK of any!(I’m a sub to one and Dom to the other.) It IS a valid question.

  8. Arudy says:

    Oh yes- when my partner does not want to call me Mistress but wants to be Dommed- he uses a special pet name. Maybe that would work

  9. Arudy says:

    Men and women in the armed forces are “Sir” regardless of gender

  10. Nwooeva says:

    Highness, Owner, Your Honor, Sir [used for both genders in the military, etc], Wiki lists ‘Herrin’, but I can’t find much more on that word.

    Or Mixtress–a variation on the GQ title of Mixter.

  11. Siaoya says:

    Sir is not used for women in the military, at least not in the US.

  12. Ttefornia says:

    “Herrin” looks like it’s derived from German to me? If that’s the case, the explanation is that “Herr” is a lord-type-word (gets used of God, is masculine), and -in is an ending that turns nouns feminine.

  13. Dnrme says:

    Mixtress!! That’s adorable!

  14. NilWo says:

    I’m a big fan of “my liege.”

  15. Eanva says:

    I rather like this as well. I will see if this or Highness is preferred, or if they spark any further ideas between us.

  16. SepRa says:


  17. Etafornia says:

    lets see… from personal experience with Ones who didnt want to have their personal names used its been Lord Fallcon, and Evil Santa and “Teh Domly Dom who Doms a lot” (because i art teh smartass).

    Grand PooBah, Your Imperial Pookiness, Grand High Muckity-muck.

    but i’m agreeing about the idea of one special name you use for your dear one, that you ONLY pull out during those times. when i was married to the ex, and we’d let too much time go by between intimacies (kids, jobs, etc) we had a code phrase: “i miss you”. and even if the answer was “i miss you too but i’m too damn tired”, the idea was put out there.

    and your using THAT special name would let your dear one know that yes, you’re putting out that hint that BDSM time would be a great idea to you.

  18. Ylrspb says:

    There’s a local mistress who has a sub who calls her Universe. I love it <3

  19. Ntaora says:

    Hrmmm. I kind of like “My Liege.” Poking around cyberspace, I’m also seeing “Mentor” (depends on your dynamic, I guess); “Professor” (although I can see that being an issue if you’re around vanilla types who actually ARE professors – I personally would find it amusing, but that’s me 🙂 ); “Teacher” ; and using the first name but in a highly formal manner (lots of “Excuse me,” “I beg your pardon,” that sort of thing).

  20. RatDr says:

    My boyfriend calls me My Queen or Her Highness.

  21. Eanva says:

    Unfortunately, those are both distinctly female-gendered titles, so they won’t work for us.

  22. Hteall says:

    Oooo, an interesting puzzle!

    • Highness, as suggested. Majesty, Grace, and Excellency are also potential variations.
    Senpai seems to be gender-neutral, but may not have the full effect unless y’all are anime-fans. [Name]-sama would be another Japanese-style honorific that might work. (No kimi is one I haven’t heard much, but it’s on the wikipage…) Kami or kamisama could be god/dess. (That’s a simplification, but might be a useful one.)
    • Owner is certainly gender-neutral, but may or may not fit with the scene(s) y’all prefer.
    • My Star/My Sun if you’re more astrologically inclined.
    • Teacher might be appropriate for some scenes.
    • Light of my Life, or something similarly flowery, could be appropriate for other scenes (especially worship-scenes?).

  23. Eanva says:

    Some of these are good too, Majesty might work (apparently I’m liking the royalty/slave vibe)

  24. Koody says:

    This is tricky! I do like “Ser” as a more gender-neutral equivalent to “Sir” (though it also reminds me of ASOIAF, which may be a pro or a con), Commander, Boss, Chief, Your Highness/Your Majesty (or just Highness/Majesty), My Liege — I wish I could help out more here.

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