Lately I am scaring myself with my drunken reckless abandon and this weekend I reached a new low. I drink heavily on the weekends and engage in some pretty risky behavior. Sometimes I wake up and cant remember driving home, and considering I live in the middle of the woods these drives are usually about 40 minutes long. Until recently, my drunk driving was the scariest reckless behavior I've engaged in. I'm on the pill, but have had unprotected sex with 4 people since my last serious relationship. Two of them I know do not have an std, but the other two I barely knew at all. One was a guy I met at my college who I had gotten a drink with once, and then again we went to a party and I got wasted and threw myself at him… we had sex without a condom and he came inside me. This was in the fall. This weekend I went out drinking in the city I work in with some coworkers after work. Eventually I met up with a friend of a friend, who I will call Jane, alone at a different bar. I was already very drunk and trying to party hard this weekend after doing so much school work. I was asking random guys in the bar for cocaine, because once I had been at that bar and a guy had brought my friend and I into the bathroom and bumped us up all night. A man who was talking to Jane, who I thought she knew (Jane and I were not very close before this night), said that he had some at his apartment. Naturally, being as reckless as I am, I was like "let's go!" and we went to his apartment. I don't remember what he looked like or his name. Jane does not know his name either, and tells me he was about 40. The apartment was huge, beautiful, and right downtown. After doing some cocaine my memories of the night become very choppy and blurred. I remember kissing and touching Jane, being on the man's bed with her naked, and him in the room, but I don't remember being penetrated. We had a threesome without a condom. I remember coming to in Jane's car after leaving the apartment, realizing I could not find my keys or phone. He had brought my phone to the bar in the morning, but I had to get my spare key and go back to the city to get my car the next morning. I am very scared of myself now. I have been reckless before and told myself I would settle down after this, but once I start drinking I don't care about anything and I just want to party and have fun. Yet in the morning I am horrified by the dangerous situations I put myself in. I don't want to stop partying, I just want to make safer decisions, and now I am horrified that I have hiv or something. I have a doctor's appointment this month and am going to get tested for everything, but I know if this man had hiv it will be months before it will show up on a test for me. I am starting to scare myself and I know I need to change my behavior, but I always just seem to be reckless again. I don't even know what I was thinking or remember deciding that I would be willing to have sex with this man.
Sorry this is so long and I know it's somewhat unrelated, but I wanted to share this with other women here because I don't really want to tell anyone I know about it, I am very freaked out by myself and I didn't know anywhere else to post. Does anyone else do this? How have you changed your behavior and how do you cope with things you have done and move on?