I know that parts of this post might be more suited to some sort of relationship advice column, but the sex part is the main issue, and I feel like I've seen posts here that deal with this sort of thing…? Please let me know if this isn't allowed.
I'm in a relationship going on two years now with an amazing man. Both of us are youngish (several years out of college) and intelligent/high-achieving types, since we met at the same Ivy League college. We are in a long-distance relationship but see each other every week. However, both of us work very long hours, and my job is a high-stress one in the financial services industry. I've also recently struggled with suicidal depression and come very close to killing myself. I'll cut a long story short and say that he was unfailingly supportive and always there to hold me, and that I've come a long way out of that pit through the discovery of Wellbutrin.
He is one of the most family-oriented people I've ever met and is the only boyfriend about whom I have ever been 100% sure would never cheat on me. I love him to death (yes, romantically) and honestly would marry him in three years or so, if our relationship lasted. But…
I'm having trouble with the idea of chemistry with him. Our sex life is fine, but lackluster compared to the sex I had in my previous relationships. I also have found that I prefer masturbating to having sex with him, which has NEVER happened before, and makes me feel terrible. Part of the reason, perhaps, is that I've been on an SSRI for three years now and it's severely affected my ability to orgasm and to feel aroused. My body also appears to have changed–I used to have incredibly sensitive breasts and would love breast stimulation, but now I am so ticklish there and everywhere else that foreplay is nonexistent because as much as I want to be, I can't bear to be touched anywhere on my torso. This really upsets and angers me, because I don't understand why it's happening, but it's been like this for a while, and even when I manage to get over the tickle response I don't feel pleasure any more, with myself or with him.
I'm terribly afraid I'm not attracted to him sexually because he's so gentle by nature, and I get off on the idea of rough sex, or at least sex that has some sort of power play, although dom/sub stuff is absolutely not my thing. The problem is that I KNOW I'm in love with him in every other way. We have a wonderful, open, communicative relationship, but this is the one thing I'm afraid to reveal to him before I figure out what exactly is going on for fear of hurting him very badly. I used to date someone who was much less mature and kind, but with whom I had so much physical chemistry that we could sit at dinner together and I'd want to jump his bones. I just miss that feeling, and I don't know how to reconcile that with the fact that my boyfriend has always been there for me and that I respect and adore him as a person, but find it hard to have really "good" sex with him.
And please believe I've tried, before thinking I'm a horrible person! I've bought lingerie, bought sex toys, even tapered off Prozac (worst decision ever, almost led to suicidal attempt), initiated sex when I wasn't into it, tried to get into it when he initiated it, talked to him about it, and I'm just… at an absolute loss. I love him so much and am wondering if this is just a sacrifice I'm going to have to make in order to be with him, or whether that's a terrible idea. I'm still attracted to the idea of sleeping with other men–I had lunch with my ex the other day and was horrified to find that I was still very attracted to him, but of course I would NEVER do that to my boyfriend; I felt guilty even thinking about it.
I should also mention that it takes me ages to come on a good day, which is ruining any appetite for sex I might have had left over. It takes me at least half an hour to orgasm with a vibrator, and much longer using my hands. He doesn't mind if I don't come, but it's frustrating for both of us if I can NEVER orgasm.
I'm so ashamed by the situation, and so frustrated by my inability to orgasm, that I can only get off by fantasizing about other people having sex, and I know this isn't healthy. Please help? Why is my body so weirdly oversensitive and what, if anything, can I do to improve my sex drive?