But there is something I want to talk about.

I am 31 years old and I have a lot of sexual issues, having been molested as a child, and sexually assaulted quite a bit as a young adult. For years I hated myself. I made one bad decision after another and always put myself down. 3 years ago I was dumped by a guy I was with for nearly 3 years and thought I was going to marry. He proposed, but had no intention of ever following through. Yes, the whole thing was hurtful. And a month later he was dating someone else. 2 months later, I realized him breaking up with me was the best thing he could ever have done for me. I suffer depression/anxiety and was not able to work for years. For some reason, after the breakup, and actually turning 30, changed that all. I still can't work full time, but I can work :). And this time last year, I finally realized how awesome I truly am and that I do love myself. I have changed so much. I went from not being able to say no to saying "Hell no."

I have been single for the past 3 years, because I am very picky now. I don't want to put up with what I did in all my other relationships. All guys were controlling and I let them because I didn't think I was a very good person any way and deserved it. And I just haven't been able to find the right guy, you know? But last summer, I started seeing someone. He told me he had Aspergers, but he seemed really together, really friendly, really caring. But then he called me fat… And not just fat. After a few weeks we started to fool around some. He refused to go further because I have genital warts thanks to my ex. Actually it was hard for him to do even that, he was so paranoid he'd get warts on your hands. But I know it's not possible. Any way, he is really inexperienced and I had to coax him a lot. Later he said, and I quote, "I couldn't find your clit because you are fat and your outer labia sticks out too much." Something like that.

It was extremely hurtful. In fact, that is what started my downward spiral back into low self-esteem. I know I don't hate myself, and I know on the surface I am awesome… But I was always afraid about what my outer labia was like and that maybe it did stick out too much. So he voiced that young girls fears… And it just… Hurt. And because he has Aspergers he just doesn't get (or care) that something like that is hurtful and painful and cruel. Needless to say that we're not friends at all anymore… But almost a year later and I'm still bothered by this. I KNOW that he is inexperienced and was blaming ME for not knowing what he was doing, but it still voiced my own fears. Is it normal for an outer labia to "stick out" and cover everything so completely down there? What I could really use is some sympathy and support.

And I'm not comfortable with photos of vagina's.

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25 Responses to Just found this community, mostly saying hi…

  1. Uoyva says:

    Note for you

    Hi! We’re glad you feel comfortable posting here; thanks for trusting us enough to share your story.

    Since VP is a place dedicated to safe space and empowerment, we hope members’ responses will be helpful to you.

    You might also find some of the information we mention here helpful. In particular, many members of the community contact_vp

  2. Anyne says:

    Re: Note for you

    Oh yes of course. I will in the future. Thank you.

  3. Uoyva says:

    Reminder for commenters

    OP, thanks again for trusting us enough to share your story. We hope that the comments you receive will be supportive and healing.

    This is just a quick note to remind readers that VP has some guidelines for responding to posts about sexual abuse or assault.

    VP is fabulous because of its members. We appreciate your sensitivity and understanding when responding here. 🙂

    If you have questions or concerns, feel free to get in touch.

    Caroline
    For the VP Team
    contact_vp

  4. 589ova says:

    i read this book called the V book. It was written by a vulvovaginal doctor. According to that book, all women are different.

  5. Anyne says:

    I will have to look that book up. Thank you.

  6. Honova says:

    There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with your bits!! The thing about Asperger’s is that they don’t have that social filter and don’t process emotions the same way someone without Asperger’s does. And they also aren’t able to read emotions of others so he didn’t/doesn’t understand why that was so hurtful to you. Combine that with his inexperience and you have what you encountered.

    So please know that there is nothing wrong with you and keep looking because I truly believe there is someone for everyone. You will find someone much more sensitive and supportive to your needs.

  7. Anyne says:

    Yeah I know. Part of the reason I’ve continued to spiral down, because I let it bother me so much and for so long.

  8. SmuClo says:

    My outer labia are just how you described, and they sort of cup around all the other bits. I guess they are “fat” (in a descriptive sense, not in a derogatory sense), but the shape hasn’t changed regardless of my weight fluctuations over the years. It really has nothing to do with the physiology/weight of the rest of my body–it’s just their shape 🙂

  9. Anyne says:

    That’s what I thought. I don’t think it’s changed at all in my 130-220lbs…

  10. Siaora says:

    Mine are just like this too! And it has nothing to do with weight, I have always been underweight and they have never looked any different. They cover everything, I have to spread my legs wide in order for everything to sort of…open up.

  11. Anyne says:

    Thanks :). It’s nice to hear multiple women telling me it’s normal.

  12. XdxWoman says:

    I am 100 pounds and 5 feet tall and my vagina has been described as “fat” more than once. I prefer to call it plush. My labia also hang down a little. You are totally normal, I promise.

  13. Anyne says:

    Hmm… plush… I like that 🙂

  14. Nwabody says:

    There are so many different kinds of ‘normal’ when talking about our bodies! They vary so much! What you describe is perfectly normal … and, in fact, I must admit that I am envious. I wish my outer labia was thicker and covered more – I prefer the aesthetic of it to what I have! My own is quite different, and I feel like my inner labia protrudes too much.

    Basically, the thing to remember though is that we are all pretty much our own worst critics! 🙂

    And the people who would think to make you ashamed of your body or can’t appreciate it for what it is? They don’t deserve you.

  15. Anyne says:

    So true… I know, I feel so silly and immature again for being so worried about it.

  16. Hteall says:

    Asperger’s can excuse some things, but it doesn’t excuse saying “fat.” If he’s using his atypical neurology to justify being rude, then he needs to be smacked upside the head with a virtual newspaper. Yes, it’s a spectrum… But my extremely loving and respectful spouse has Asperger’s — undiagnosed, but he shares most of the characteristics with our daughter, who is diagnosed. (Said daughter, by the way, is extremely sensitive to the thought that she might hurt anyone’s feelings. Yes, she might say something without meaning to be hurtful, but if informed that it was? She would apologize and work hard to never do that again!)

    Basically… yeah, Asperger’s is on the autism spectrum. He may not be as high-functioning as the Asperger’s people I know best. But that still doesn’t mean he gets to use the diagnosis as an excuse for not improving. If he does use it as an excuse, then he’s a jerk with Asperger’s.

    No one deserves to be stuck with a jerk.

    Can you tell him that his hurtful comments, and blaming you rather than simply going, “I’m frustrated, but this is something that can be learned,” are making you sad? Because yes, Asperger’s makes it hard for them to pick up cues and you have to be able to clearly state your needs. But if you don’t feel you can tell him, or if you tell him and he does not try to mend matters — then I think it’s time to divest yourself of someone who sounds like a manipulative person. (“I have Asperger’s! I’m friendly and caring! Also, I will insult you and blame my condition for ‘being blunt.'” …yeaaaaaah, but NO. …read youarenotcrazy.com recently?)

    As for the last question? Yes, it is totally normal for labia to cover the clitoris. The outer labia can often be well-padded, no matter the weight elsewhere; think about bumping pelvic bones without padding! Ow! And for many people, the inner labia and/or clitoral hood will protrude from between the outer labia, hiding the clitoris. Some people have very little of their clitoris outside the body (most of it is interior, for everyone); some people have more clitoris showing. It’s different for everyone and unlikely to be very much affected by weight.

    And, even if it were some effect going on? There is such a thing as rising to a challenge. Just because something isn’t laid out with bold primary colors and labels doesn’t mean that it can’t be learned.

    *offers hugs*

  17. Anyne says:

    Thanks so much. I’m glad to learn more about Aspergers. I’m glad to know that he is a jerk with Aspergers and not a true indication of the neurological… err… thing… I can’t think of the right word I am thinking of LOL. After him I swore never to go near someone with Aspergers again… But knowing that it’s not normal, even for someone with Aspergers, is extremely helpful in my healing on this issue, so thank you :).

    We do not even talk anymore. I would just be too angry with him. Kinda how I am. I’m not crazy about all the anger, but I’m happier being angry instead of a mat for men to walk all over :). So no, I can no longer tell him about his hurtful words.

    You describing pelvic bones bumping without padding reminds me of why I don’t like skinny guys. Their hips will dig into my inner thighs… and… OW!

    Thank you for the cyber hugs 🙂 *hugs back*

  18. Etafornia says:

    i am 5’1″ and alotta pounds. 😀 i am fat. pudgy, plush, fluffy, smooshable, fat. and i’m ok with me. (plus my darling TheEngineer thinks i’m terribly terribly sexified, and i’m not arguing with him!)

    i affectionately refer to my mons as “the moose nose”. its fat. it sticks OUT. as in, it has its own little profile, stickin out there to say “howdy-do!” the crevasse of the bits between the labia? finger-deep to touch the clitoris. faaaat pussay! cushy cooter! (on the other hand, i have only a part of one inner labia. very small flutter on one side, nothing on the other. one winged butterfly!) but this is what i look like. and its ok, because that’s WHO i am. and HOW i’m built.

    getting over being molested and assaulted is rough business, and doesnt just HAPPEN like flipping a switch. its lots of little forwards and backwards steps till one day you look and say “wow, i’ve made more progress than i thought!” (can you guess i had a whole DRAWER full of those particular tshirts? burnt the suckers, too!)

    you’re a good person who deserves someone who is gonna find all of you beautiful and desirable and wants to be happy right along side you for a long time to come. 🙂

  19. Anyne says:

    Thanks :). I hope to be as happy with my body as you are. As much as I love my personality, I am not crazy about my body!

  20. Inone says:

    I’m sorry you had such a hurtful experience.

    There is absolutely nothing wrong with having larger labia. Every woman is different.

    The partner in question likely didn’t mean to be hurtful; he likely just meant to express frustration. I’ve had conflicting diagnoses as to whether I am or am not an aspie, and I’ve dated several men who are.

    In such situations, I always find that communication is vitally important.

    *hugs*

    I hope you have a more positive experience next time…

  21. Anyne says:

    Yeah, he is quite literally the only negative experience about that part of my body, which is what makes it even more bizarre that I let it bother me so much. I have had guys tell me I look wonderful down there… Okay, 1… But it’s so much different hearing from other women that it’s normal ya know?

  22. Sseyle says:

    Sounds totally normal! As others have said, vulvas come in all shapes and sizes, and they are all fantastic!

    I don’t know if this will help or not…but I often think of “fat” as just a descriptive word, not an insult. In fact, I know some people who prefer being called fat versus overweight, because “overweight” implies that their weight is WRONG. Whereas fat just describes their body type. There is nothing inherently bad about being fat. If you can break free of societal bullshit even just for a second, you can move into thinking that fat is just a way that some people are. Just like some people are short, and some people are tall. Its funny…someone once thought I was being rude because I acknowledged that my partner weighs more than their partner. (In a conversation about whether she could piggyback her partner.) And I kind of felt like…you know what, he IS! My partner is a chubby dude! And I love him the way he is. I never said there was a single thing wrong with him, and yet somehow acknowledging this FACT of his size was a rude thing..it didn’t make any sense to me. She wouldn’t have reacted that way if I said my partner was shorter than hers, you know? Its possible that your dude was using fat as a descriptive term, minus judgment. Or maybe not, obviously I don’t know him. But also, perhaps you could choose to interpret that as a descriptive remark rather than an evaluative one.

    so yeah…people come in all shapes and sizes, even in the vulva region! And there’s not a damn thing wrong with that.

  23. Anyne says:

    Yeah I’ve done that, too… But to comment on my labia… Just… seemed… Rude and cruel and the fact that he didn’t even care after I told him how hurtful it was.

  24. UceNet says:

    My aspie ex-fianc? used to make such ‘ass hole’ comments when he was stressed or in a situation (usually social) he didn’t find comfortable. It was like he’d turned into a totally different person, but for him at least, he was either this outspoken idiot or cowering in a corner, it was very black and white. He’d have a very hard time realising when he’d pushed things too far, and for our relationship to work I had to be incredibly direct, and would say things like “when you said x you make me feel y” “I’m upset right now” etc.

    Can I also just say I’ve since had another aspie partner, who was wonderful (we’re still friends), and one of my best mates is too (but on the ultra-stimulate side of things rather than social), so good experiences are of course possible. Don’t give him too much leeway, you need to feel happy and comfortable in the relationship, and whilst he isn’t to blame for how he experiences the world, he is responsible for his actions and should learn what is acceptable in your relationship.

    Sorry if this came out a bit odd, it’s not the easiest thing for me to write about as I don’t really like to think of him. All the best x

  25. Anyne says:

    Yeah I understand not wanting to speak of someone you don’t want to think about, so thanks for doing so.

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