Hello everyone!

I have a question that maybe some of you lovely community members can help me with. I am 30 years old and for the past 5 months I’ve been seeing this very lovely boy (my first boyfriend), who is also the first person I’ve ever had PVI with.

The boy is really wonderful and he’s very gentle and thoughtful, and the sex is great. However, the ‘problem’ is that he just can’t climax. He goes on and on, and after I’m done he finishes himself off by hand. I asked him about it a few times at the beginning and he said that he always had this problem, it’s just very hard for him to come (no pun intended). Once, when I was pestering him long enough, he suggested I should squeeze my vaginal muscles to ‘milk him’. Well, I tried to tense my vaginal muscles, but it doesn’t seem to be making much difference. He told me not to worry about it, but I can’t just let it go.

Is it possible that I am too loose? And if so, what can I do about it? I’ve been reading up on Kegels but just don’t know where to start. As you can imagine it’s really eating away at my self-confidence.

Any input is very much appreciated. Thank you.

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20 Responses to How to tighten vaginal muscles?

  1. TacFru says:

    This might not be the answer you’re looking for, sorry if it’s not, but I’m not sure about vaginal exercises except kegels and Ben Wa balls and you already sound well informed. </p>

    I really wouldn’t worry. I’d concentrate on making him feel as loved and accepted as possible whilst still enjoying myself, and maybe it will change things for him, or maybe it won’t, as long as he’s enjoying it, does an orgasm inside you matter, unless you’re TTC?

    Some people come from PIV sex, some don’t, I found that I was less likely to come when I worried I ‘should’, but when my new partner just loved me it suddenly started happening.

  2. TacFru says:

    Sorry – iPhone reading on a train with interested eyes on my screen = hard to take in info. You wanted advice on muscle stuff too.</p>

    Ben Wa balls fit inside the vagina, the muscles naturally hold them in and they feel nice, some people say they strengthen the muscle because it’s working all the time.

    Kegels can be done anywhere, but using them to stop mid-flow when you’re weeing can help to know you’re moving the right bits – I’ve got a tendency to tense my neck, not my bits!

    You could try orgasming on him, which makes your vagina contract around him.

    If I’m with someone who struggles to orgasm I try with hands and mouth first so I can work out which places like to be touched, then recreate that sensation. I’ve met some men who like tight fingers moving just outside the mouth or vagina, some who like nipple sucking to push them over the edge and some who find added anal penetration is their thing.

    Hope you have lots of fun experimenting!

  3. Avalight says:

    Thank you so much for your reply. We’re definitely not TTC, I’ve just started having sex and he’s my first boyfriend, so yes, I am trying to have as much fun as I can. It’s not really a huge issue, I am just slightly self-conscious about being 30 and not really having experience in this department, so I’m just worried that maybe there’s something wrong with me (or my vagina, as it were).

    Thank you for all your advice. I am definitely trying out the Ben Wa balls and Kegels.

    As for using my mouth or hand, I’ll see what I can do – I’ll definitely try to improve my technique. And I’ll definitely have fun experimenting. 😉

    Thank you again for your help!

  4. TacFru says:

    Hope it helps, if it’s your first entanglement on both sides, maybe you’re both just nervous?

    I’m almost envious of your exploring, discovering new things is such fun 🙂

  5. Maesa says:

    If this has always been an issue for him, I’d ask how he masturbates. Some men death grip masturbate and, well, you’ll NEVER be able to squeeze like a hand. No one can. Thus resulting in him being unable to come from sex.

    Again, if he says this has always been an issue, don’t let it get to you. It’s really nothing you’ve done (nor is it something wrong with your body).

  6. AssFriut says:

    Totally sounds like “death grip” and needs to be retrained if he wants to orgasm during PIV.
    Dan Savage column on it: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=14968

  7. Knious says:

    I was going to recommend that column! Man, vaginapagina members always beat me to comments… 😛

  8. Avalight says:

    Thank you for your comment. I didn’t know about death grip, and this does sound like what’s happening here. I do feel a little less worried that something is wrong with me now.

    Thank you!

  9. Avalight says:

    Thank you for your reply. I would say that death grip sounds pretty much like what’s happening here, because even if he’s really aroused, it still takes a long time for him to come even when he masturbates.

    Thank you very much. I do feel better now, because I was worried my body was the problem (and he was just too nice to tell me).

    But that doesn’t mean I won’t try Kegels anyway.

    Thank you again. 🙂

  10. EohNet says:

    Just practice 🙂 My husband and I actually had the exact same problem. I was so relaxed during sex that my vagina felt loose to him. Part of this might have had to do with him masturbating, so my vagina was a lot looser than his hand. Anyway, try inserting a finger and squeezing around your finger so that you get feel what you are doing. Once you figure that out, try doing it during sex. Don’t clench the whole time–try to do it in a rhythm to match his thrusting.

  11. Avalight says:

    Thank you very much for your comment. I’ll definitely try following your advice the next time. Now, I am just randomly squeezing during penetration and it makes absolutely no difference aside from frustrating me. 🙂

    Thank you again!

  12. Egneeva says:

    My boyfriend gives me an orgasm first. 🙂 This of course makes instant tightness, at least for a little bit.

    And if all else fails, he’s a huge anal boy.

  13. Avalight says:

    Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate it. However, my orgasm doesn’t seem to be making much difference in this case.

    I was actually thinking about anal before, I’ll have to bring it up next time.

    Thank you for your help. 🙂

  14. 8idko says:

    “Tightness” is a function of your PC (aka pelvic floor) muscles. Just like any muscle, they can get out of shape. And you can tone them with exercise. “Kegeling.” To isolate them, next time you go pee, start and stop your stream a few times. Then insert your finger and give it a little squeeze.

    As for Kegel exercises, there are many different kegel tools. Some are hands-on and require interaction — such as wands or tethered “orgasm balls” or gizmos that look kinda like speculums. My favorite tool is just plain Ben Wa Balls. Start with ones that are about 1″ and 3/4oz apiece and then graduate to those that are appx 3/4″ and 1oz apiece. The idea is to insert them and keep them in while you walk around, do the dishes, etc. Start with 20 minutes a day and build from there. The longer you keep them in, they harder they’ll be to keep them inside. That’s what’s working your PCs — hands free, no interaction required. Do this at home. Be sure to remember to remove them (relax, cough and catch) before going out or using the toilet.

    But it has recently come to light that kegel exercises are not enough. You will need to add squats (for the butt muscles) and lower abdominal crunches to your exercise routine. They all work together to tone vaginal muscles.

    Once you get the hang of kegeling, add it to your PIV. Tighten on the in-stroke and relax on the out. Then alternate to vice-versa.

  15. Avalight says:

    Thank you so much for your reply and all the information. I will definitely get Ben Wa balls soon, and the part about exercise routine sounds spot on because of my sedentary lifestyle–I used to do yoga, so it might be a good idea to try squeezing it back into my schedule.

    Thank you again for all the information, it’s most helpful.

  16. UceNet says:

    I’ve found that by masturbating with a heavy toy inserted, and concentrating on keeping the toy inside myself whilst working against gravity (i.e. over side of the bed, or with hips elevated) has really worked out my vaginal (pc) muscles. This has toned them to the point where I have to be aware of how hard I’m clenching during piv sex so that my partner doesn’t finish too quickly.

    The toy I’m using is my Pure Wand, patchworkorange‘s suggestion of you having an orgasm before you even start piv is a really good one too, it works for me!

    Whatever you do, make sure you’re comfortable, and enjoy all the practicing 🙂

  17. Avalight says:

    Wow, that sounds incredibly impressive. And I googled Pure Wand and all reviews are incredibly positive, so I’m definitely putting it on my wishlist. It’s over my budget at the moment, but one day, I’ll definitely own it. 🙂

    It doesn’t surprise me that it works out your PC muscles. I am totally in awe at you, what you do is really impressive.

    Thank you so much for your comment. I’ll definitely enjoy practicing and toning my vaginal muscles. 😉

  18. Dooyle says:

    Is this really a problem? Does he have to finish inside you?

    I mean, I understand wanting that to happen sometimes, but every single time? It could be that he uses death grip or it could be that you could tone your PC muscles… but it also could be that this is just the way his body works. Assuming everyone in your post is cisgendered, if the roles were reversed, a few people might volunteer that this is just how your body works… I don’t see why it can’t be the same.

    People have already made some suggestions for strengthening your PC muscles, which I think everyone should do regardless of what sort of genitals they have. And yes, he could vary the way he masturbates. But I also think it’s important for both of you to be open to the possibility that this may be just how his body works and that doesn’t necessarily have to be a “problem”.

  19. Avalight says:

    Well, it’s not a problem per se. I just have a problem with it because I am inexperienced in this regard, so if it’s my ‘fault’ and there’s something I can do about it, I want to do something about it.

    If it’s just how his body works, or if it’s just how *my* body works and I can’t do anything about it, then of course I’ll accept it. But since he takes really good care of me orgasm-wise I just want to be able to return the favour, and so far I haven’t managed to.

    Hopefully that makes sense.

    Thank you for your comment.

  20. Dooyle says:

    But you don’t necessarily have orgasms just because of his influence. If couldn’t orgasm via his influence, would you feel like he wasn’t taking care of your needs? Or being purposefully negligent?

    I understand wanting to reciprocate, but I think it’s worth reexamining when our standards about what “good sex” has to mean focuses around imperatives that can not only be difficult for some people but impossible for others. When we define sex and pleasure in certain ways, it causes a lot of guilt and frustration not just in your case but say, for example, people who have certain disabilities, people who have survived certain sexual traumas, or people who take certain medications that may make orgasms of certain types impossible.

    If the situations were reversed, would want him to blame himself for being unable to give you an orgasm? The thing is, you can’t be held responsible for something you can’t control. And you can help orgasms happen, but they aren’t ALL because of you and your orgasms aren’t ALL because of him. I don’t think you shouldn’t ever strive for particular sexual goals. It’s always fun to have something to strive for. Just try to avoid blaming yourself and guilting yourself when things don’t go according to plan, is all. <3

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