first just a warning that i'm going to discuss horrible gynaecologist experiences and self harm. i do not want to offend or trigger anyone, but i don't know what else to do. so please think before you click.
ok as outlined in a previous post which is this one http://vaginapagina.womanorium.com/20237622.html#cutid1 really hope the linky works. i've being having some issues after being examined by a dr when i was 15. i was not told what would happen, i wasn't even told what part of my body was going to be examined, i said no and stop and was ignored. ever since i've had nightmares, a fear of hospitals and a tendency to cry or run away when i have to see a dr.
i've tried 3 times to get some counselling. the first time i was refered by a gp and was refused counselling because i cried at the assesment to see if i needed counselling. the second time i was refered by a gp and they didn't contact me like i was told they would. the third time was last july i was refered to a sex therapist by a gp and i still haven't been contacted like they said i would be.
today i saw there was a sexual health clinic in my city (yay for internets) and i phoned to see if they would be able to advise me if i could get counselling somewhere. they said to come to the clinic and they would give me some advice. so i headed there with directions, then realised its at the hospital but in a separate building so i thought i'd be ok. i was there for about a minute before i had to rush out. i couldn't breathe and it took me about 20 minutes to be able to breathe normally again. i've spent the past 4 hours crying and can't seem to stop.
this thing, situation, i really don't know what to call it, happened on the 24th of may and ever since as a twisted kind of celebration every 24th may i hurt myself. i tend to cut myself and take a lot of painkillers hoping i'll never wake up again. this is wrong of me but i don't know how else to cope with that day.
i've been having some health issues for the past few months and have finally got an appointment to see a gyn at the hospital and its for the 25th of may. this is a problem. and i tried to change it but the next appointment is at the end of july so i can't have it as i have to be seen within a certain timeframe according to the hospital. i will have to go alone because the rest of my family is on holiday then. while i need this appointment for my health, i'm very scared and know if i do manage to get to the hospital on that day i'll probably run out crying before i actually see a dr.
does anyone know of anywhere i can get counselling, i've tried through the drs and obviously thats not working. any organisations or something? i'm in the uk, in the north of england to be precise if that makes any difference. i've done a google search but i've only found counselling for people who have been sexually assaulted or raped, so that doesn't apply to me. i need some help because i've been trying to be strong for nearly 7 years now and i still can't cope.