I have a serious complex about my entire vulvular region.

No one–not my doctors, not my mom–has ever confirmed this to me, but I am pretty sure I was born without any inner labia or a clitoral hood.

I have a clitoris, but it’s a weird one. Because I have no hood and no inner lips, the WHOLE THING–shaft and all–is exposed. And the tip is really odd looking. It’s not a nice shiny little bulb protruding from a mound of pink flesh. It’s dark and flat, probably because it sticks out and has been sort of pressed by me crossing my legs my whole life. The worst part is that having no protective hood makes it painful at times…not to mention dry.

I have avoided relationships my whole life because of this–because I’m scared of how dudes will react to the fact that I look like I have a teeny tiny dick (since the shaft is typically internal), and because I’m scared it will be painful rather than being the pleasure button that it’s supposed to be.

I have tried googling and while I found a few results from women who have the same issue, most of what I found had to do with female genital mutilation. That definitely did NOT instill a lot of confidence. I know all of our bits and pieces are different, but to just not have something seems so weird to me and makes me so upset. I have never read anything about these parts being “optional” or variable. I’m not sure why this happened, or what to do.

And yes, I have a doctor’s appointment, but it isn’t until next month and I hoped to get some input before then.

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20 Responses to Completely insecure and depressed about my anatomy

  1. Etafornia says:

    I have one very small inner labia. Singular, only one. I *do* have a clitoral hood (along with smaller outer labia and a plushy fat mons, AKA the FUPA*). And you’re right, we’re all made differently, and variation is normal. It sounds as though you’re on the further end of normal, and the only thing “wrong” with that is that it’s causing you pain.

    *FUPA…really rude term for a plump mons, stands for Fat Upper Pussy Area. I prefer calling mine “the moose nose” thank you very much! (as you can see, I can laugh at myself. 🙂 )

  2. MaeNet says:

    No inner labia here. Slight clitoral hood, I believe. My lady parts are rather puffy and large as well. </p>

    We’re all different and all beautiful! Maybe check out the Everyday bodies project?

  3. Cilwoa says:

    I did, and that just made me feel worse, because no one there looked like me. I have searched and haven’t found any twins.

  4. XdxWoman says:

    I call my “fat pussy” (that’s how most men have described it) as “plush”. Sounds nicer. I don’t know if that helps or not but that’s what I prefer to call mine.

  5. Dri007 says:

    You mean something like this?

    There are several genetic conditions which cause external genitalia to vary considerable from the norm. On the make side of things, there is a condition which causes boys to look like girls til they hit puberty. I wish I still had my notes from my gender classes. There is a huge variety out there which is normal. 🙂

  6. Cilwoa says:

    No, it’s not that big. It looks as though she still has a hood but it just isn’t large enough to cover the tip?

    I don’t even have that. No hood. Not a short one or a retracted one. NOTHING. It’s dark and flat and dry-looking…not shiny and pink and bulbous. It’s just odd. For a while I wasn’t even sure I was looking at the right thing.

  7. Dri007 says:

    There are dozens of related conditions. That was just the closest I could think of. It sounds like you may be intersexed to a degree, which is far more common then you’d think. Depending on which conditions are included between 1 in every 100 to 1 in every 10000 births are intersexed. Consider how many thousands of people are born each year… Each condition itself has a wide variety of presentations too. I can promise you though, you are far from alone!

    Myself I do have labia and a clitoral hood… But both are very enlarged so they hang way out of my outer labia and kinda look like a small penis wrapped in ham slices lol. Sorry for the strange analogy. It’s that time of month so I’m a tad loopy on painkillers.

  8. Cilwoa says:

    This may all sound hopelessly ignorant so forgive me in advance if it does…but I never would have thought of myself that way. I’m very feminine in most ways. I have big boobs, and a fairly girly body shape and facial features. I am, however, very hairy…though I attribute that mainly to my luck of being middle eastern.

    More than anything I’m just dismayed that no one would tell me. That makes it much worse…like its a secret too horrifying for me to know.

    Is this something I tell people in advance of being intimate? Do I have to warn them I may not be what they expect? Ugh.

  9. Dri007 says:

    Intersex does not make you any less female. It’s simply a medical term to describe differences in genitalia. Almost all intersex individuals (excepting some really rare cases of chimerism) know they are either male or female. It’s why they stopped for the most part performing surgeries on infants with what is termed by medical people “ambiguous genitalia”… Because half the time they guessed wrong and had to do a second surgery to fix the first one. Male and female external genitalia form in utero from the same basic structure. Sometimes the body sends the wrong chemical message at this stage so females can end up with enlarged or absent structures and men can end up with undeveloped or undecended testes and what is medically termed micropenis. Gender and genitals are two very different things.

    A lot of times it’s not mentioned so should you choose surgery later they can be sure your choice wasn’t influenced.

    I’ll be honest and say in terms of intimacy only one guy I was with even had any idea what to expect. The rest were just focused on having sex- is there a hole? Ok we’re good. If anyone takes issue with it, they probably aren’t worth being with.

  10. Eanva says:

    “The rest were just focused on having sex- is there a hole? Ok we’re good.”

    I think most people are going to be like this – my experience with girls has been similar to my experience with guys.

    Guys usually seem to be thinking, “My dick is hard now… where can I put it?”

    Girls may be thinking a variety of things, among which could be, “That looks fun to play with, let’s see if she agrees,” (some guys think this one too) or, “I have this dildo, I where can I put it?”

    My current girlfriend has an extremely sensitive clitoris – no missing hood, just super duper sensitive. So playing is fun because I had to learn all these soft gentle touches and things that she likes. Tongues are great for that 😉 I imagine some lucky somebody that you get with will have a similar experience discovering all the ways to gently tickle your buttons.

  11. Surra says:

    I know this sort of mentality is easier said than believed, but anyone who’s going to judge you based on your anatomy isn’t worth your time. As for the dryness, coconut oil is pretty amazing; though I certainly can’t guarantee any results for anyone else, I used it on sensitive areas with no problems. In fact, a lot of people recommend it as a natural form of lube; it’s really okay to use down there. As for your concerned about your clit being a source of pain, have you tried masturbating? Or even just feeling around to see what you like and what you don’t? If you find you don’t like anything in that area, that’s totally okay! There are plenty of couples that have wonderful sex lives without penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex, and there’s no reason you can’t have that experience as well.

  12. Cilwoa says:

    I find direct stimulation very painful and try to avoid touching it as much as possible. I wish it were hooded because I think that would solve the issue…but what am I going to do, right? There is surgery to get the hood reduced, but nothing I know of that can create one if you don’t already have it.

    There is no kind of sex I think I could enjoy because of this. It’s just always going to hurt. I’m sure not having anything in the way of inner labia also doesn’t help. There are probably a umber of sensations I’m missing out on. It sucks. The idea of sex has no appeal to me at all, but the idea of a relationship does. Unfortunately you can’t have one without the other.

  13. Surra says:

    Perhaps the doctor will have some suggestions for that.

    Could you enjoy manual (vaginal) stimulation? As long as the person you’re interested in can avoid touching that one area, it could work. Additionally, there are plenty of people in happy relationships who never have sex. Some people are just asexual and that isn’t important to them. Some people are not asexual, but they have difficulties that prevent them from having sex. And not all sexy things actually involve your genitals anyway. You and your partner could exchange sexy massages, as one idea. If you’re concerned less with your own desires and more with your partner’s, well, lots of guys and girls love manual and oral stimulation even more than PIV sex. You do have options. You can be in a happy relationship. It may not be easy to find the right person, but it never really is anyway.

  14. SguTuT says:

    Plenty of people are asexual/don’t have sex and are in romantic relationships.

  15. Dri007 says:

    They can absolutely create a hood. They take tissues from another area and shape that into a hood. They can also now grow tissues in a lab from a blood sample. But absolutely if lack of a hood is causing pain they can surgically create one.

  16. HhuWo says:

    My inner labia are very small & my outter & mons are very fat. I feel like there’s a cleft in my mons/hood that makes it look like a scrotum. That all being said, no man has ever seen it & had a negative thing to say. Not that tons have seen it, lol, but basically, when it comes down to it, men are usually just pretty happy to be with the woman they want to be with, especially intimately.

    My concern is this: are you physically uncomfortable or experiencing any pain or lack of sensation? I ask, because when you come to a point of being comfortable with your looks, I hope nothing else holds you back from being physically fulfilled.

    I have seen quite a few of my friends’ lady parts in passing as well and I’ve never noticed any uniformity. Hope this helps some. 🙂

  17. Cilwoa says:

    Yes, there is pain. See above. The clit is painful, although it would probably be fine if it were covered more. Right now, it’s just too exposed.. Everything else just doesn’t do anything for me. Like I said, I’m going to the doc soon, but I don’t think they’re is really any solution. I just wish I knew someone like me who could tell me their experiences so I don’t feel so lonely in this sea of lovely, developed femininity.

  18. Eanva says:

    I look a lot like ryeuhh describes. Have you ever tried G-spot stimulation? I really enjoy that.

    Even though your clit is too hurty, and the other outside parts don’t feel like much at all, you might really like your G-spot stimulated, or perhaps anal stimulation. You can get all kinds of neat dildos and vibrators to play with. Some women are lucky enough to have fabulous orgasms that way 🙂

  19. HhuWo says:

    I don’t feel very femme at all, actually. I avoid sex, even though I enjoy it, because I’m pretty grossed out by my own body. But, I’ve found a lot of men feel the same way about their bodies. Like many have said above, loads of people leave sex out of relationships for numerous reasons.

    This is a different situation, but it took me three partners before I actually lost my virginity because of pain, mostly, I thought. It turned out the first few didn’t appeal to me as much as I thought and my body never could relax.

    I know your situation is worse and different, but don’t give up hope that there’s a solution and it may be simpler than you can imagine.

  20. Annonymous says:

    Is it at all possible that your parents had you circumsized when you were too young to remember?

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