I need some help. I have vaginismus, but I don't think my case is *too* severe. I've always been able to have sex; it's just very painful. (The first time was off-the-charts painful, but that was not surprisingly before I knew about this). I first had sex with my then-fiance about 6 years ago. We're now married, and we've never really had sex more than maybe twice a month since it hurts me. Lately this has dwindled to practically nothing. And we do not do oral (since neither of us likes receiving…guess that means we're both bad at it? lol) or anything else. He doesn't even like kissing. 🙁 He pretty much wants vaginal sex or nothing at all. And so it's been nothing at all.
So, I recently inadverdently found out that he was…fooling around with a female friend of his. Not sex, but it was probably headed that way. He also had a full-on affair several years ago. So obviously, we can't ignore this any more. For the past four years, I've been working on-and-off with a set of dilators. I can insert all of them, although the biggest one always hurts and takes some time to get in (maybe 1 minute or so of start-and-stop) and it doesn't seem to be improving. (My husband's penis is about the same size as this biggest dilator). The smaller three dilators are pretty easy to insert, with no or very little pain, and I also use a menstrual cup no problem. But I feel like I can't "get over the hump" to the point where penetration with a large object isn't painful. I don't know what else to do. Does anyone have any ideas? To be more specific, when we do have sex he has to come in very slowly (a little at a time), then he has to stay still while the pain subsides. Then when he thrusts I feel a stabbing pain very high in my vagina, which he swears is not him hitting my cervix (I don't know what causes this pain, it's probably not related to vaginismus, but I figured I'd better mention it).
One more thing: we have been talking about what to do if I can't overcome this. Divorce is the absolute, bottom of the line, last resort. Other potential options are him being allowed to seek sex outside the marriage, or bringing in another girl with us so that we can have a sexual experience where he can penetrate someone, and I don't have to be penetrated. (I have never tried anything like that and am not sure I'm ok with it, but I guess it's on the table at this point). Obviously the best thing would be to kick this problem to the curb, but I feel so hopeless. It seems like continuing to work with the big dilator is getting me nowhere. 🙁
Sorry for the long disjointed post; as you might imagine I'm upset. Thanks in advance for any thoughts or advice.