I've been dealing with my PCOS diagnosis for a few months now. I'm treating it, but nothing is helping so far. I'm really not looking for medical  advice right now…I'm looking for emotional guidance. Maybe a little bit of reassurance that I'm okay.
Let me say, before I really get going, I KNOW I am not handling this diagnosis well. I don't know what to do. I feel like my entire life just hit a wall, I feel like I'm not myself anymore. 
Before getting this, I was skinny. Like, size 0 jeans skinny. I hated it. I used to gorge myself eating (to an unhealthy extent) TRYING to gain weight. When my PCOS weight gain started (before I know it was PCOS), I thought, FINALLY, SOMETHING is helping me. After I gained 20lbs I was extremely happy with myself, so I changed my diet, started eating healthier, and just worked on fitness to maintain my body. But it didn't stop. 50lbs later, I am COVERED in stretch marks and cellulite. I have a prominent double chin and my gut sticks out further than my breasts. It's hard to dress myself without feeling embarrassed by my stomach. I wear sweaters EVERYWHERE I go so maybe people won't notice it. Now that it's getting warm, I feel bad just leaving my house. Because I can't wear t-shirts. I don't have enough money to completely change my wardrobe. I feel trapped. I've had friends who are bigger than me give me an extremely hard time because "I'm not that big." I'm 50lbs bigger than I was ONE YEAR ago. I'M NOT USED TO IT. I can't get used to it. I can't stand it. And of course, PCOS means, no matter how hard I try, I'm NOT losing anything. It still feels like I'm gaining weight and I can not stop. It hurts me mentally to look at myself. My sex drive has decreased so much, because, despite my husband telling me it doesn't bother him, I know he must be thinking the same way I am. I was skinny when we met. This isn't what he signed up for. And that hurts me when I think about it, too. 
I've always wanted to have children. Always. Even when I was a TEENAGER, I was so in love with the idea of having a family, I swore to myself that if I wasn't pregnant by 25 I'd just hook up during ovulation and get knocked up (I know, that's not good judgment, but I was a teenager.) It stings in my heart every time I think about the possibility of infertility. Sometimes it's like my head tells me "It's okay, Lis. You don't want kids anyway. They cost money and they're gross and you have so much free time without them." I feel like it's some sort of tactic my brain went to to protect me. Sometimes I think about it, and I want that family I've always wanted. It hurts that I don't know now. I know I wouldn't be having this confusion if this had never happened.
I feel like I'm losing myself to this. I'm constantly in a bad mood. I never want to do anything, I never want to go anywhere, I just want to sit on my computer and play Neopets all day. I hardly talk to anyone I used to know. I'm terrified of running into people I used to know, after gaining all this weight. It's not like I had a baby, and I can't wear a shirt that says "I'M FAT BECAUSE OF A MEDICAL ISSUE." Everyone was used to me being underweight. I've BEEN TOLD that it's a shock to see me this way now. I don't know who I am anymore. And no one gets it. I'm constantly belittled because "it could always be worse!" RIGHT NOW, in the moment, I don't feel like it could be. My entire body has changed, internally and externally. I hear so often "just do A and B and VIOLA, YOU WILL BE CURED" from people who aren't doctors. I'm sick of my family telling me I'm doing this to myself because I'm letting myself get so stressed out. I can't handle this anymore. I wish I could just go back in time and correct whatever I did wrong so this never happened. I wish I didn't believe in Karma so I wouldn't think I did something bad to cause this to happen to me. I wish my husband had picked someone else, who wouldn't unload all this on him. I cry daily. I'm losing sleep. I feel so hideous naked with all the stretch marks, I can't even bathe with the light on. I know I'm not handling this like I should be, I break down so often. Just thinking about ME, hurts me emotionally. I wish I was someone else.
I've TRIED talking to women who are going through the same things. I'm handling this worse than anyone else I've met. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix myself. Physically and emotionally. I don't know who or what I am anymore. I don't see a purpose in my existence, knowing what the future might mean to me. And I'm not saying I feel like ceasing my life. I'm saying, I feel like boarding myself into my house and pretending I don't exist anymore. I don't know how to stop these feelings, or deal with the stress, or fix me.

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4 Responses to Anxiety, PCOS, anxiety.

  1. Eanva says:

    I don’t have PCOS so I can’t relate to that exact disease and its symptoms.

    But I have endometriosis, fibromyalgia, and RA officially diagnosed, and probably also have CFS, and I have problems with depression/anxiety. So most of your post is very familiar sounding to me, just sub different symptoms here and there…

    Sometimes you just want everyone to STFU and understand. It hurts to be you, both physically and mentally.

    It wasn’t you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t do this to yourself. It isn’t Karma. Or, if you want to interpret it within some fashion of Karma, try this: its not that you are being punished for something else and so have to be put through this now — its that you are being prepared for some great reward, and life has to give you a few lemons first before you can have your lemonade.

    I wish well-meaning family and friends would just understand that their “advice” of what you could do to “just get better” only makes us feel worse about our conditions, either because we’ve heard it all before and already know it doesn’t work, or because we are just tired of being told what to do, or for any number of other reasons.

    Print out and pass around this article, “The Spoon Theory”, for your friends and family. It will help them understand what you are going through. I’ll look around for some of my other articles that are good for helping family understand stuff that is hard to explain. Like why they need to just STFU. I know I have one…

    http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/

    Good luck with your PCOS. Great strides are being made in PCOS research these days, so hopefully you will find a treatment that works for you soon. If you aren’t already seeing a specialist, try to find a Reproductive Endocrinologist — they often specialize in fertility medicine, and even though that may not be your goal right now (or ever), they will still be the most educated on the disease and treatments you need compared to other specialties.

  2. Nahro says:

    I don’t have PCOS, (to my knowledge), so I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through… For the past 2 or 3 years, though, I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety (both circumstantial and free-floating/unexplained bouts), and I have been dealing with a lot of physical illness, (chronic IBS-like symptoms). I barely get out of the house now, and my physical symptoms have made it impossible for me to attend school. (I currently have only completed my freshmen year of highschool, even though I am supposed to be nearing the end of my junior year.) It has been so difficult for me to get out of the house lately, that I have even been missing my doctor’s appointments- doctor’s appointments that would greatly help me and my mom try to figure out what’s wrong with me.
    Now, as difficult as all of this has been for me, it would be absolutely unbearable if I didn’t have support from my family. All I can think of to say to you is that you are not alone. Even though your family may not understand your situation, there are others that do.
    And as for the whole “things could be worse” argument… I don’t think that type of logic has ever helped anyone with a chronic illness. (Or, at least it doesn’t very often, in my opinion.) Just because what you are going through could be theoretically “worse” does not mean that it is good or acceptable.

  3. Hteall says:

    *offers hugs* I didn’t have quite the same amount of change… But when I had a kid, my thyroid basically said, “I’ve always been a slacker — without you knowing — and now I’m headed for the bahamas without you. Toodles!” So here I was, nursing, reading all this “pregnancy weight will go right off” and… No, it didn’t. I gained. I think I gained about 10-20 pounds above my top pregnancy weight! I tried to restrict just a little, and I would get dizzy so that I seriously worried about fainting. I was always tired — I told myself it was just because of the kid. Sleep was this soft, dark pit behind my eyes all the time.

    Undiagnosed hypothyroidism sucks. (And if you haven’t been tested, I would urge you to get your TSH checked; get the numbers, which should be between .4 and 4 and ideally around 2 or so. PCOS and thyroid problems can hang out together and have many similar symptoms.)

    *offers more hugs* It sounds like you’re very depressed. And when you’re depressed… Well, you lose so many spoons, as somniumdraconae talks about. How you deal with it depends on what you can handle, but at the least… You’re still a good person. It’s okay to ask for help; depression makes for pits that can be hard to get out of by oneself, and there’s no shame in needing a hand.

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